By Yamila García

People only see the result of the processes we go through. These experiences can be extremely good or bad, but people will only notice when those feelings make their way out and alter our behavior. We cannot see more than what the other does or says in their interaction with us. However, many of us go through the same difficulties throughout life; we face illness, economic problems, family problems, work conflicts, etc. We all know that when there is a serious problem, it is difficult not to think about it and focus on something else. We also know that when someone we love is going through a health problem, for example, life begins to revolve around that. Sometimes, it happens that the concern comes from not being able to cover expenses, or in other cases because we had an argument with someone important to us, and one really feels stuck until the problem is solved. 

So, if we are all similar in that way, why can’t we understand each other more? Why, if I see someone who suddenly changes their behavior or way of acting, can’t I think that they are going through a similar situation? One of those that I’m sure I also experienced and had similar effects on me? I think we all know a lot about what human beings feel and that we have many tools to understand each other, but that is not enough to do it. At the first change, it is easy to observe rejection, not compassion. Precisely, this is something more added to someone who already has a lot on their plate. 

Perhaps my own experiences and my analytical way of being made me much more aware that behind every action there is a cause, something that is affecting the person and that they are not being able to handle. I just want to say, pay more attention, don’t react with rejection. Try to put understanding and empathy above all. Everything would be much easier that way. I know it’s not easy, but once you start doing it, it becomes easier. And many times you can be the one who gives the only kind word that the person in front of you has heard for weeks. You never know the battles others are fighting, but you don’t need to know. You just have to be kind, and you could be saving someone else’s day.

By Yamila García

I blocked my emotions, and that’s why this post is taking me longer than usual. When my emotions are raw, writing becomes an extension of them—something that almost comes naturally, a new habit and a new way of channeling what happens inside me through words. It’s been new since I started writing for Include and discovered its therapeutic effect. I realized that what I often couldn’t express verbally, I could let out in writing. However, when writing, talking, and anything else aren’t enough to manage my emotions, I sometimes end up shutting down—turning off those emotions that make me so uncomfortable. I have this false feeling of being able to continue “functioning,” but the cost is high.

When everything feels impossible to handle, and I find myself drowning in emotions I don’t know how to deal with, I completely disconnect from what I feel. I uproot what I can’t modify and continue functioning in a kind of “power-saving” mode. However, as with electronic devices, the “power-saving” mode implies losing capabilities. I “function” and do what I have to do, but deep beneath the surface, a storm is raging that I have tried to contain with a Band-Aid. Of course, whenever emotions remain in the background and are not channeled in a healthy way, they magnify and seem to agree to come together, destroying everything in their path as a form of protest for having been ignored. They unleash an explosion that, in opposition to the “power-saving” mode, consumes every last drop of energy in minutes.

I’m trying to learn to reconnect before the chaos. Writing helps me. I may not be able to talk about what I feel yet, but I can talk about what I know I’m doing. I know that I am hiding from my own emotions and that I want to learn to navigate them differently. I don’t believe in magic solutions, but I do know that when I manage to reconnect this time, nothing will be the same. I am close to achieving something that I have dreamed of all my life, and while for others, it may not be so big, my life took many turns before reaching this point. I wrote this last sentence two days after I wrote the rest of this post.

 

By Yamila García

Self-pressure is something you learned, not something you were born with. The obvious differences I’ve had since childhood and the subsequent reactions from people made me keenly aware of how others perceive me. That’s how I learned to demand and pressure myself to be “enough” in the eyes of others, as if there were a way to measure what “enough” truly means. However, nothing I did was ever sufficient in my own critical view. Thus, I spent all my years trying to compensate for the negative perceptions I knew my differences caused in others. I fought hard to reverse that, but the more I struggled, the farther I moved from achieving it. The more I learned and accomplished, the more distant I felt from that approving look that I so desired.

The reality was that the first person who disapproved of me and didn’t consider me enough was myself. I know that the gaze of others influenced the way I saw myself too. Although I allowed myself to be authentic in many aspects of my life, on the other hand I sought approval by trying to be as efficient and capable as possible. And in that search I trampled my feelings and denied the importance of who I am. I lost the battle when I gave others the power to define my value. I stopped loving myself for thinking that I had to be efficient so that others would think: well, she may be weird but at least she’s useful. Because I learned that people are often kind when you are useful to them. But I am much more than useful! How sad to be like this really. Measuring how much you respect the other according to how much they can contribute to you.

I was always enough but I lived many years without knowing it. I was enough even the times I felt like I was nothing. I am enough, beyond the gaze of others, beyond my fears, my differences and my skills. I am enough and valuable because I exist, live and fight day by day. Don’t let anyone interfere with your own thoughts about you. I don’t do it anymore. We all have a lot to celebrate about ourselves even if others don’t see it. Only you can give yourself the value you have. No person, achievement, goal, or event can increase your inherent worth; what you are, you already have within you. Celebrate yourself!

By Yamila García

Colors, textures, smells, and other sensory stimuli can cause me great discomfort but also a lot of joy and pleasure! The intensity with which I perceive the world around me works both ways. These past few days walking around campus were a completely pleasant experience. The sun made the autumn colors shine even brighter, and the leaves on the floor were so crunchy when I walked on them. Inside me, it was like a party. I felt the same kind of joy I feel when I receive good news or achieve something I really wanted. The joy was intense, making me walk around smiling, wanting to stay and contemplate such beauty all day.

This also happens to me with certain music. I repeat the songs over and over again because the joy feels like multicolor fireworks inside me (of course every piece has a different combination of colors, shapes, and textures). I have the feeling that I am completely full of joy and that I don’t even have “room” for a little more. This is also what happens to me with art. I feel the paintings or sculptures with all my senses. It is as if I can “live” them and be part of them. They make me smile and cry, giving me joy and happiness. Inside me, it feels colorful, restless but happy.

This intensity and this “ability” to feel with my whole being, with my body and my mind, each of the things I experience, is a double-edged sword. I enjoy simply walking among colorful trees much more than many (in fact, many don’t even notice the beauty around them), but the other side of this ability sinks me deeper than you can imagine. Negative sensations become larger and more painful than they are for other people. Everything becomes a dark tunnel with almost no light. I feel discomfort on my skin and go through the entire process with chills. During this time, I often lose perspective, the ability to be objective, and to use my past experiences to intervene in the present. Whenever I go to this side of my wide range of emotions, it feels extremely lonely and isolating, and very painful on the skin and soul.

The middle of the range is possible, but with so much intensity at the extremes, it often feels empty. Empty is not all bad; sometimes it means peace, other times boredom, but either way, it is better than the negative extreme and that is appreciated. Although it is true that it is difficult to deal with that part when you are so used to feeling so intensely.