By Yamila García
Colors, textures, smells, and other sensory stimuli can cause me great discomfort but also a lot of joy and pleasure! The intensity with which I perceive the world around me works both ways. These past few days walking around campus were a completely pleasant experience. The sun made the autumn colors shine even brighter, and the leaves on the floor were so crunchy when I walked on them. Inside me, it was like a party. I felt the same kind of joy I feel when I receive good news or achieve something I really wanted. The joy was intense, making me walk around smiling, wanting to stay and contemplate such beauty all day.
This also happens to me with certain music. I repeat the songs over and over again because the joy feels like multicolor fireworks inside me (of course every piece has a different combination of colors, shapes, and textures). I have the feeling that I am completely full of joy and that I don’t even have “room” for a little more. This is also what happens to me with art. I feel the paintings or sculptures with all my senses. It is as if I can “live” them and be part of them. They make me smile and cry, giving me joy and happiness. Inside me, it feels colorful, restless but happy.
This intensity and this “ability” to feel with my whole being, with my body and my mind, each of the things I experience, is a double-edged sword. I enjoy simply walking among colorful trees much more than many (in fact, many don’t even notice the beauty around them), but the other side of this ability sinks me deeper than you can imagine. Negative sensations become larger and more painful than they are for other people. Everything becomes a dark tunnel with almost no light. I feel discomfort on my skin and go through the entire process with chills. During this time, I often lose perspective, the ability to be objective, and to use my past experiences to intervene in the present. Whenever I go to this side of my wide range of emotions, it feels extremely lonely and isolating, and very painful on the skin and soul.
The middle of the range is possible, but with so much intensity at the extremes, it often feels empty. Empty is not all bad; sometimes it means peace, other times boredom, but either way, it is better than the negative extreme and that is appreciated. Although it is true that it is difficult to deal with that part when you are so used to feeling so intensely.