By Yamila García
I want to bend over, curl up and cry. But I can not. That is not right. I don’t want anyone to feel bad or guilty for me. I can’t stand the noises anymore. People move too much. No, it’s not too much, it’s normal. It’s just too much for me. My heart is going too fast, I feel it strong in my chest. I want to teleport home. I want to close my eyes and be there automatically. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89… Counting still works. Breathe, breathe and don’t think. I kept counting. 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89… come on, keep going… 144 233 377… yeah, I can handle it now… ok, I’m breathing slower, that’s a good sign. Now act normal. My face sure looks angry. Try to talk like this so no one notices that something is happening. But I do not want to. Better stay like this just in case it happens again. Little by little… 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89 144… Come on, keep breathing. Surely people notice my breathing… breathe slower. My heart rate is going down a little. I know it’s going to happen, it always happens… I just don’t have to think too much. Just breathe and count… Now maybe I can talk. Try to talk.
Something like that feels like being overwhelmed for me, after enduring stimuli until I reach the limit. It’s not as easy as: “don’t pay attention to what’s happening.” Many of the things that surround us are perceived in different ways and what for some is nothing, for others is overwhelming. That’s why I write this, because it’s real for me. Because after having gone through a challenging time, if you put me in front of various stimuli, chances are I will feel that way. I know that what I write exposes me and shows my most fragile side, but I don’t care, because just as I know myself, I know that I have been able to handle things that others don’t have to face. I know that I have done a lot with more difficulties than many people and I know that the more we share how we neurodivergents perceive the world, the more education there will be about it so that we can really have a more inclusive world for us.