By Yamila García
Every time I lose something in my life, I go through grief. No matter how small what I lose is, and although for many it does not matter, for me it means that my routine is altered. I don’t care about material possessions; I’m not interested in having a lot of things or that my things are expensive. However, losing something that long ago belonged to my daily life and having to adapt to a new routine is what makes the loss hurt. It has happened to me with school supplies, clothes, or any element or person that in one way or another was part of my routine, even for a second a day. After losing something, my routine would be different, and that upsets me. It’s not about wanting to have control over everything; it’s that predictability makes everything easier for me.
Today it is totally clear to me that I do not perceive the world like many other people. I so wish I could make neurotypicals see and feel what day-to-day life feels like for me. It is as if I am receiving a hundred calls at once all wanting my attention to give me different information. One tells me: “Look at this place; we don’t know it! Pay attention to where you are going. Why is it so big?” Another tells me: “Do you smell that? We don’t know that smell. It’s annoying! What could it be?” Another might tell me: “There is something shining above us; what is that? A light? Why does it shine so much?” Then another might say: “There are voices! Are they talking to us? What do they say? I can’t listen with so many voices in my head, with so many things shooting information at me, with so much discomfort.”
To this, you would have to add many more “calls,” and even then from the outside, you would only see a person entering a place being shy and looking a little confused. Many of these things are avoided when we know the place beforehand, when we are accustomed to its smell, its colors, the brightness of its lights, its locations, etc. Seeking predictability is just silencing several of those “calls” or voices in my head, receiving less input, and simply having fewer things to handle. As you can imagine, this facilitates interactions, avoids overwhelm and allows me to live more easily.