By Yamila García

Last week, I walked at my Commencement ceremony, and I couldn’t help but think about the path I’ve come from. Coming from such a different place, the campus not only felt scary but also impressive. The schools in my country are very different from those here and, of course, much smaller than UConn. The idea of studying at UConn seemed like a dream when I visited the Avery Point campus in Groton with my conversational English teacher. However, my first semester at UConn in Fall 2021, those feelings began to change. It was no longer a dream; it was now reality, and I felt privileged to be there, to be able to study at the alma mater of my childhood hero and to have the possibility of training academically in this country. The first semester was significant not only because it was my first at UConn but also because it was the first time I started something knowing that I am neurodivergent. I had received my diagnosis a few months earlier and had registered for the Neurodiversity in Engineering class (UNIV 1810). Without knowing it, thanks to that, I had opened a door to know myself more and better explore and use my abilities. The road was long and often frustrating, but I always found people willing to help me. I even had a peer-mentor from the School of Engineering to whom I ran every time despair drowned me, and he always managed to advise me and calm me down with patience. Before finding him, I had tried more than 5 other resources at school without success until I finally signed up for his program. Pure empathy, the best peer mentor ever!

There were many fears, doubts, and frustrations, but I was always able to move forward. Nothing worthwhile is easy, but everything is possible. I think the most important thing of all for this to go well was knowing myself and knowing what I need to make it work. As a neurodivergent navigating a world that was not designed for me, I am eternally grateful to those who made my path easier, but I also know that I worked hard to make it happen. I believed and learned a lot about who I am, how I can better exploit my abilities, and how to navigate difficulties in a healthier way. I am grateful to have taken that class the first semester, to be part of Include, and to continue writing for this blog. I am grateful to the people I surrounded myself with and from whom I learned so much. There is always someone we can count on; if you haven’t found them, keep looking. I know what it feels like to knock on doors and not receive the help we need, but it is not just one door that we will have to knock on to find the help we need. Being constant and persistent is the only thing that will make us find the right doors.

 

By Yamila García

Feelings are a puzzle for me. Love, especially, is quite the enigma when you pause to ponder it. What does it feel like to love? How does it shape our connections? And how do we even know when it’s there? And just to be clear, when I talk about feelings, I’m not just talking about romantic stuff. Feelings cover a wide range, from pain and sadness to anger, fear, and frustration.

The thing about feelings is, they’re hard to figure out; they don’t follow any logical rules. And logic? Well, logic is my compass. I’m used to examining everything, trying to find the rational path through it all. But when feelings don’t fit into that logic, I feel lost. It’s like using a map that suddenly stops making sense. How do I make sense of being hurt by the opinion of someone I barely know?

I get it. Feelings don’t always make sense. In fact, they often defy logic altogether. But the unpredictability can be maddening! It’s tough to feel something that your brain tells you is silly. Feelings leave us vulnerable, which is probably why I’ve caught myself shutting down, blocking out emotions without even realizing it. My need for control and predictability has often kept me from feeling what I should. I’ve learned to recognize when this happens, but mastering it is still a work in progress. It’s all about self-awareness, though; knowing yourself gives you the tools to navigate to live a fuller life. A life in which feelings are not something that you prefer to ignore, but something that when handled correctly can make you learn from whatever experience you go through and ultimately drive your next steps.

 

By Yamila García

I have no memory of ever arriving in enough time for a homework due date. There are several reasons for this to happen, but I think the main one is my difficulty in working on several projects simultaneously. Until I finish one, it is very difficult for me to start another. The homework or the work I am doing completely absorbs me and every time I take focus away from it, I feel like I have to start from scratch. It’s as if there is a fear of forgetting everything I’ve done so far and losing progress… Almost as if the computer has no memory and doesn’t save what I’ve done. But yes, both the computer and I remember. So I don’t understand it, I don’t know why that happens like that. But it makes me angry, overwhelmed and frustrated that I can’t work little by little on several simultaneous projects.

I do my work, I do deliver it on time, although with the minimum amount of time before the due date. However, I know I could do much better. I know that by starting early and not just working on a single task until exhaustion, I could use my time more effectively and get better results. Many times I know the most efficient way to do something, I know how to do a better job but my brain works differently. And as much as I wish it weren’t like that in that case, that’s how I am and I can only work little by little to improve. The frustration that always comes is of no use. It also makes me wonder if this is one more of the frustrations that we neurodivergents face when inhabiting a world that was not designed for us. I’m definitely not the only one who works like this, but I know we’re not the majority either. Many of these situations make us angry with ourselves even though we know we shouldn’t. The world around us doesn’t understand us and we blame ourselves for being unable to handle it.

By Yamila García

When I need help the most is when I am least able to ask for it. In those moments when everything around me overwhelms me, I lack the ability to request what I need to emerge from that state. The accumulation of stimuli, sudden changes, or scenery shifts can stress me to the point of losing my abilities. Many times, when this reaches a deep level, I lose the ability to identify my feelings, articulate words, or perform even the simplest tasks that I can normally do without issue. I have automatic responses I can use just to shield myself in these situations, where I simply say: ‘I’m a little tired,’ so no one questions my withdrawal or unusual behavior; this is my ‘unmasked’ self. I’ve noticed how some are labeled as spoiled for struggling with tasks they once handled effortlessly. The misinformation and lack of empathy from those who haven’t experienced it firsthand are evident. It truly saddens me to realize that, in addition to the typical challenges many of us have grown accustomed to, we also have to endure scrutiny in these situations.

I hope everyone has someone close whom they can inform in advance of how to assist them in these moments when we cannot ask for help but need it more than ever. I hope you don’t refrain from requesting what you need just because you encounter those who still view us as difficult. You can even write down simple instructions on your phone for how to help you and show it at such times. Asking for help isn’t easy, I understand. Especially when, for many years, we’ve been labeled as difficult, problematic, or simply strange. However, none of that is true, and there’s always someone willing to help, even when it feels like there isn’t. But more importantly, we deserve to get the help we need.