By Yamila García
Last night, around 8 pm, I felt a significant discomfort in my body. I instantly knew that I had once again forgotten to drink water during the day. When I feel like this, I desperately drink water as if I have just spent 30 days in the desert. Sometimes, the desperation is so intense that I choke, and then I feel like a bubble full of water from drinking so much in such a short time. You would think that if this was such a common experience, at some point, I would remember to do it, but I don’t. I really don’t realize until my body experiences great pain or discomfort that somehow manages to “wake me up.” I have realized that I have little sensitivity to pain, and only when it is very extreme do I realize it. That’s why I don’t realize that I’m thirsty, that I’m hot, or that I’m feeling a certain way until the sensations are very deep and unmanageable. As you can imagine, this is a great barrier to being able to manage and face what I feel at more opportune moments. It would be much easier to work on what I’m feeling at the moment; however, it’s like I don’t know what’s happening to me until everything is overwhelming and chaotic.
This not only happens with physical sensations but also with emotional ones. Many times I find it difficult to identify how I feel in different situations. I think my confusion is mostly because either I don’t feel anything or I feel a terrible panicky feeling when I can’t take it anymore. Those are my most usual states, which I have been trying to “correct” simply because it is very extreme and exhausting to live like this. So, I have gotten into the habit of asking myself several times a day: How am I? What am I feeling? (I have notes on my iPad and my cell phone that remind me to ask myself this). With that, I force myself to connect with my body and my mind. I still have a hard time identifying what I feel, but at least I try to stop and listen to myself. This has allowed me to make some changes, and gives me the possibility of identifying anxiety before it takes total control over me.
Knowing how you feel may seem obvious to many people, but for many neurodivergents, it can be a challenge. Not everything has a “solution,” but we can use some techniques to help us remember that we must do periodic scans of the physical and emotional sensations that we are perceiving.