By Yamila García
There are certain fights that I no longer want to fight. These are fights that add no value to my life and that I have fought for a long time simply because they are one of those things “that are hard for me.” Who knows when and for what reason I assumed that I had to fight them all? Maybe because of the need to show that even though I am different from others, I can do everything. And I don’t know if I can do everything or not, but what I do know is that I don’t need to be able to do everything, nor do I want to. I am no longer willing to go through so much discomfort simply to show how capable I am. I am very capable in some things and less so in others. It’s as simple as that.
In the past, when I got involved and committed to doing one of these “things that are hard for me,” I suffered days before and days after the activity. First, the anticipation kept me awake. I didn’t sleep, or when I fell asleep because exhaustion overcame me, I dreamed about what I had to do and woke up terrified. Of course, I would arrive at that unwanted day completely exhausted and even more frightened than at the beginning. I would go through the moment sweating, shaking, and almost unable to breathe. When things overwhelm me a lot, I don’t breathe as I usually do. I hold my breath, do a part of what I have to do, let it out, take it in again, and go back to the task for as long as I can keep it up. I repeat it until I finish completely and can finally breathe normally. Then, an immense satisfaction comes to me. A feeling of euphoria and adrenaline invades my body from the emotion of leaving that behind. I lock myself in my house, in silence, in pure happiness. And then my head starts to review everything I did, everything I said, and even how I moved. From the euphoria that took me to heaven from the happiness of finishing whatever I did, I now go to the bottom because of the weight of anxiety and reviewing past scenarios. Then, I am burdened with those feelings for days until my natural rhythm leads me to stabilize again.
Now, I am no longer willing to go through all that for any reason, much less for one that does not add anything to my life. I have already fought more fights than I should have. My body and mind deserve to be respected and cared for.