By Yamila García

I don’t work well when people are staring at me. My personal experiences around others have always brought me the feeling of being judged, even when I was doing nothing more than just being present. I suppose this may have been the trigger for why it’s almost impossible for me to function when others are watching, whether it’s when I’m trying to speak in front of more than two people or when I have to do a task or perform an activity that requires showing something I know how to do. I already know how others see me, and that makes me feel that whatever I’m about to do – no matter how correct the result may be – I will be judged by how I do it, which will most likely be different than how most people do it.

I know that, from the outside, people may perceive me as shy, which actually helps me avoid having to explain myself so much. However, more than shyness, it’s a refusal to feel watched and judged once again. Calling myself “shy” is my easy way out of having to explain a lot of things that people are unlikely to understand anyway. Because yes, I try to advocate for myself, but I don’t always have the energy, and I don’t always feel the cause is worth it. If, for example, I’ve just met someone and will never see them again, why waste my energy on unnecessary explanations? “I’m shy.” That’s all it is.

Anyway, as comfortable and easy as it is to say, “I’m shy,” it still feels like what it is: a justification for who I am. That hurts. It feels unfair. And I don’t think it should be necessary. I’m an adult, I’ve overcome so many things, I know how to advocate for myself, but I still find moments where I need to use that phrase for my own well-being and energy. It just feels like letting myself down a little. But I ask myself every day, what more can I do? 

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