By Yamila García
When I was little and felt overwhelmed, I would crawl under my desk into a tiny square space. That allowed me to reconnect with myself. I would go in there to watch my favorite cartoons, and gradually I would regain touch with reality. I would calm down and feel ready to resume whatever I was doing before seeking comfort in my little square sanctuary. I’m not sure when I started doing this, but I knew it made me feel safe. Even back then, without knowing I had autism, I instinctively sought ways to alleviate my struggles. I also engaged in soothing behaviors since I was a baby, but I hid them even though there was nothing wrong with them. I simply noticed that others weren’t doing them. One of these behaviors was rubbing a cloth, while another was scratching grooved textures.
Through my childhood experiences, I learned that I needed control. I require things that are familiar and predictable… I need either a small space that I can analyze with the naked eye, a few people to read the expressions of when I speak, the flavors of my food not mixing, etc. Although during my childhood and adolescence, I often believed that others perceived the world like me but were stronger, with time I came to understand that I couldn’t have been more mistaken. The way I perceive the world is very different from how neurotypicals do.
I have encountered people whose expressions revealed an urgent need for what comforts them. I can recognize it because I have experienced it many times myself. That longing to reconnect brings about discomfort and despair. It also evokes embarrassment because it is not easy to accept that you need something as seemingly trivial as a piece of cloth or a fidget toy, a small hiding place, or a particular scent to regain your footing and continue on your way normally. The world may tell you it’s stupid but if, for you, it is necessary, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Neurodivergent individuals are unique, and thus, we have different methods of processing our emotions. These methods must be acknowledged and shared; otherwise, the world will never be prepared for true inclusion. Do not hide anymore, open up to your friends and family about how you soothe and calm yourself. The more they understand, the better equipped they’ll be to comprehend your needs and support you when necessary.